Last year I experienced four separate losses: two grandfathers died, my grandmother died, and I experienced a heart wrenching breakup. Tomorrow is actually a year to the day of being broken up with four hours before I started opening arguments on a child rapist trial. Going back to work after a loss is intense, no matter what kind of loss you experience.
Trying to force your emotional brain back into work isn’t something that comes natural to anyone. Here are a few different things to remember when you are going back to work after a loss:
Seeing your Coworkers is going to be Tough: every single person is going to ask you if you’re okay or how you’re doing and you might be able to brush them off with a simple ‘I’m fine.’ But the ones that you have a better relationship with are going to push to make sure you really are okay. Those conversations are going to be worse. But here’s the good thing about your coworkers, they can be really good sounding boards. One of my coworkers was the one that kept me focused in that trial I was leading – I will be forever grateful to her for making me eat a bite of food at lunch time and making sure she always had tissues in her blazer pocket for me. Another coworker, who has her Masters in Counseling kept telling me what I was feeling was valid and that she was there to help me. She was more worried about my mental health than I was and I don’t think I could have stayed grounded with her. One coworker took the road of keeping my mind off my loss and came up with imaginative ways to cause my ex embarrassment and showed me picture after video of her new baby. She gave my heart a much needed lift. You three know who you are – thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Keep your Supervisor/HR in the loop: this one is going to save your job. Making sure your superiors know what is happening is crucial to not only giving them permission to help you but to also put HR on notice that you are in a time of bereavement time and it would probably be unwise to fire you due to the death of a loved one. I’m definitely not saying they can’t fire you just that it could publicly look bad. Letting your supervisors know also means they are going to be more forgiving if your work isn’t up to snuff at the beginning or if you want some extra help.
Focusing is Rough: your mind is going to wander at the absolute worst times. It’s going to run back to the pain or memories of your loved one and that’s okay and normal. Have something to bring your mind back when you feel your focus drifting. My mantra became ‘keep taking time for yourself until you’re you again‘ and I must have repeated it to myself thousands of times last summer and fall. It made me sad but it also pulled my mind back to something I could focus on.
This is a Marathon not a Sprint: grief is not going to go away in a flash, it’s not going to go away in a short time either. It’s going to take a long time and you’ll realize one day that the ache of grief has just become part of you. Don’t expect your grief to stop and don’t get mad at yourself when it doesn’t stop soon. Take the time for you and to heal yourself.
Triggers Abound: you are going to see or hear things that remind you of the person you lost. One of those coworkers was kind enough to take the pictures out of the frames so I didn’t need to see a happier time. But in later weeks I saw those frames and just knowing what they represented made made cry in the corner of my office where people couldn’t see me. I saw my grandpa’s signature on a card I had hanging on my board while I was on the phone and went silent for a solid 30 seconds until the person I was speaking with recalled my focus to the conversation. Know that triggers will be everywhere and use that knowledge to prepare.
Your Priorities might Change: you might find that you don’t care about work anymore and not just in a you-can’t-focus-way but in a you realized there are other things more important than your job, like family. Before you make any big life changing decisions take a breath and talk your possible decisions over with trusted advisors.
Check with HR about free Therapy Sessions: this was a godsend. When I spoke with HR they told me our heath plan pad for three free therapy sessions. They walked me through how to use them and how to make sure the counselor’s office was able to bill my health plan. I was worried I was going to go broke finding a therapist I liked but knowing that I had what essentially amounted to three tries made it easier. Thankfully it didn’t take three tries to find someone I felt comfortable talking to and it meant my next two sessions with my counselor were paid for by the people causing all my pain (at least when I started these sessions). Going back to work after a loss is easier when you are getting professional mental healthcare.
Obviously I don’t have a psychology degree but I’m fairly confident last year I had some undiagnosed depression and quite frankly, I don’t know if I’ve completely worked through or survived it yet. I remember going to my first therapy appointment for everything awful that was happening with how my supervisor was treating me and talking non stop for an hour about the years of verbal abuse. The third meeting I had just gone through the breakup and was a puddle of tears. The fifth meeting my grandfather had died and I sat in silence with the weight of everything on my mind. Therapy is hard but worth it.
One of the most important things I learned from going back to work after a loss is:
Healing is not linear
You are going to have good days and bad days. You are going to have good stretches and think you are getting better then a day or two is going to hit you and feel like a gut punch. Time. You just need time and to forgive yourself because, like I said, healing is not linear.
With the death of a loved one or simply loss of one, going back to work after a loss isn’t easy but you can survive it. Please know that if you are feeling sad, depressed, or as if the world is going to end, you are not alone. So many people want to help: friends, family, HR, and even me. Reach out to someone because even though you might feel as if you have to or need to do this alone you shouldn’t. If you EVER think about taking your life please reach out to the suicide hotline.
Here are some ways I’m taking care of my mental health lately.
